Hetalia Crack Fics
by Shoeswithwings
Summary: Crack for the sake of crack. This is a series of one-chapter crack fics featuring a different Hetalia character each chapter. Some of these are written in conjunction with September Samstar, who can also be found on . I don't plan on including any explicit romantic scenes, so the only warning I can think of for this series is adult language.


Author's Note-

This is the first fanfiction in a series that I am writing with my friend September Samstar. Please acknowledge her as responsible for these fanfictions as well.-

Crack Fic: Canada

Canada just ran out of maple syrup. So he went to the store to get some. The weather was nice, so he decided to walk there instead of taking the bus. Walking out of his house, he noticed his next-door neighbor Ukraine hanging out with her creepy brother, Russia.

Oh, and don't forget their sister, Belarus. She makes the Holocaust look happy. Canada got a bit weirded out, so he broke into a light jog, hoping to get out of there before the ULTIMATELY DESTROY HIM. Safety before looking cool every time. He almost peed himself when he felt a cold, firm hand on his shoulder. It was Russia!

"How are you, Comrade? I saw you jogging, so I decided to join you."

Through the shakes, Canada answered, "th-that's gr-gr-great."

With eyes steadily fixed on the horizon, Canada continued jogging. He could feel Russia's icy stare on his back, and chills started running down his spine. "So…Russia. How's…uh…Siberia?" Canada inquired nervously.

"Oh, it's alright. So Comrade, where are we going/"

To tell the truth or not, that is the question… Faced with such immense stress, Canada promptly fainted, falling flat on his face in front of Russia.

"Comrade?"

Canada awoke to the usual creepy chuckles of Belarus. He was carefully laid on the couch with an ice pack on his forehead. His day had gone from bad to worse. Russia walked in, wearing noting but a scarf and some boxers. "How are you feeling, Comrade? You took quite a fall there."

All of a sudden, Canada spotted some Vikings following behind Russia. They were Denmark, Norway and Sweden! And they were all in their underwear too! Canada promptly checked to see if he had on more than boxers. He did, and he wanted to stay that way. So he swung his feet over the side of the couch, ignoring his throbbing headache. "Bye guys."

"Wait, where are you going?" Russia and the Vikings chanted in unison.

Denmark grabbed his axe and blocked the door.

-Mercy. Hopefully Canada will make it out-

Hours later, an extremely tipsy Canada left Russia's house. Apparently the guys wanted to have a group drinking fest. It was pretty fun, and when some hockey came on, the other nations were surprised to see an angry Canadian when the Ontario Polar Bears were losing. The players must have felt his anger, because they came back to win.

On the way home, Canada remembered he still needed maple syrup! He made his way to the nearest bus stop, leaned against the sign, and waited.

It's always good to see an animated character making the right decision of not drinking and driving.

Canada jumped when the bus pulled into the stop, nearly hitting both the sign and Canada. Despite his slowed reflexes from the massive quantity of alcohol he consumed, he managed to land on both feet. Italy opened the door of the bus and shouted, "Hey guys! Hop in!" with a big grin.

"HEY ITALY!" Canada screamed, slamming the coins in the collector. "IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, COMRADE!"

Italy was scared a little by Canada's drunken screaming, but he drove away from the bus stop in the same dangerous manner as before. "ITALY, YOU'RE G-G-GOING TO KILL US IDIOT!" Canada blurted, holding on for dear life.

Italy turned around with a vicious glare. "What the hell, bro?! You think you're better than me?! Bro, do you even lift?! Come at me bro!"

Canada shouted right back, "LET'S GO!"

"You wanna go!? Let's go bitch! Let's go…to da liberry!"

"LET'S GO ITALY! I WILL CUT YOU!"

"Bitch, you better watch yo-Emerson Road, last call to get off at Emerson Road!" Italy seemed unfazed by his shouting match with Canada.

Canada jumped to his feet, "You hiding behind your steering wheel poser?"

Italy rolled up his sleeves. "Who the fuck do you think you are?! Getting on my bus, cussin' at me, threatening me?! Get the hell of my bus, you son of a pasta!"

Italy takes a big swig from a flask. Needless to say, all the other passengers were terrified.

Turns out, Italy can't handle his liquor, because he promptly passed out. His head slammed against the steering wheel, activating the horn. "Pussy," Canada snorted.

-So, guess who spent the rest of the evening driving a bus?-

11:28 pm. So far, by Canada's count, he's hit a dog, four signposts, and two cats. He looked over on the seat behind him, only to discover that Italy was still fast asleep. The only people on the bus besides them were a guy in a Darth Vader costume, and an old lady wearing a gross-looking hat.

And then she got on. That pink-haired princess.

Maybe it was just the alcohol, but Canada felt a strange attraction to her. This stranger, that he hasn't even met yet. He felt they were meant to be. "I LURVE YOU! YOU'RE SO PRETTY!" Canada yelled.

He could have continued to shower her with compliments, but at that moment, he lost control of the wheel. The bus, tired of all the abuse it had recently been subjected to, took control and drove itself into several donuts.

The pink-haired princess quickly grabbed onto the back of her seat, and the still-unconscious Italy fell to the floor with a thump. Canada proceeded to spill his guts out of the bus window. "Help me, fair knight!" the princess called as she began to fall.

However, Canada was still too busy puking his guts out to help her. Unceremoniously, she stumbled and fell on her face. "Oh! That was totes rude!" She, no…HE said, for the beautiful pink-haired princess was actually Poland!

Nothing is how it seems in the fic

Poland, like Canada, was drunk. At least again, like Canada, he made the decision to take advantage of the public transportation system.

Once Canada had emptied his stomach, he looked over a Poland with confusion, "Poland? Is that…is that you?"

"Yep. Like, who else would I be?"

Canada sneezed, studied Poland's face, then wrenched open the door of the bus and left, saying, "Forget this. I'm out."

Canada ended up going to a pizza parlor for a snack. At the point, the maple syrup was long forgotten. The sound of the chimes on the door startled Canada, but not so much as the string of expletives emitted from the kitchen as he walked in. It was Café Romano.

An extremely embarrassed and flour-covered Romano emerged to greet Canada. "What do you want?" he growled in his usual annoyed tone.

Now Canada has a hangover, and in the worst place possible, but he was too hungry to care.

Romano glared a Canada. "I said, what do you want?"

Canada secretly wished he hadn't come here. "Uh.. a slice of roasted tomato and chicken pizza…and something for a hangover."

Romano grunted. "Six dollars and twenty-three cents."

Canada went to look for his wallet, only to discover it was gone. "Italy…" he hissed under his breath.

Canada felt Romano's gaze burn holes in his skin. "Is there a problem?" He asked, angrily tapping his fingers on counter.

"Your brother stole my wallet," is what he wanted to say, but instead, "Oh, no... I lost my wallet. Sorry aboot that."

"If you don't have any money, then get out!" Romano blurted, clearly not in the mood for this.

Then, Canada did the only thing he could do at this point. He went home.

Author's Note-

Thanks for reading! The next fic in this series will feature Prussia and Romano!-


End file.
